Old Eyes
by inspibrain101
Summary: Bob (representing a Stoic Woobie/Shell Shocked Veteran) meets Dan (representing an Average Joe/The Spock). My complaint? Old eyes are not permissible as evidence neither in a court of law, nor in 221B Baker Street. Some writers lack logic, is all. Rated to be safe.


This is not a story, in the traditional sense; it is not multiple chapters. It is not a character analysis, or a prompt, or a drabble, or a one shot, or a parody. This is a personal complaint; a satire, if you will. It delves into logic- that of fictional characters, writers, and readers alike. It busts open a plot hole, and explains in a clear, concise manner why my complaint is justified.

Hopefully, this gets out there, and I never have the need to complain ever again.

What could I possibly be complaining about?

In the fanfiction world? Where do I start?! (That's a rhetorical question, by the way). There are entire forums dedicated to peoples' fanfiction pet peeves, and I take no shame- nor pride- in proclaiming that I have well abused these forums.

Where _do_ I start?

Mary Sues, overused plots, the **GRAMMAR,** the excess slash, and text speak, and lame drinking games that you think are funny but are really immature, and the overused one-liners, the song fics, the bizarre pairings, the whump and depression, the plot holes, the block-o'-text's...

I could go on for a week.

And I have. Seriously.

Unfortunately, I have come to realize that parodies and Mary Sue litmus tests and tv tropes will not reach the thousands of internet writers who clog the web. They reached me in time, for which I am eternally grateful, but I feel I am in the minority. Instead of trying to tackle these big problems, I have instead turned my attentions to one, small problem, one I am sure can be remedied.

It has to do with eyes. Yes, that optical organ that sits firmly in your eyeball socket.

To start, I will set the scene; some character is what tvtropes .org refers to as either a stoic woobie or a shell-shocked veteran. He/she has been through _a lot._ Heck and back, the whole nine yards. They're probably feeling pretty crummy. Either that, or they're really old, possibly immortal. You really just want to give them a hug and congratulate them on being so durable. This character, we'll call him Bob, meets another character. We'll call him Dan.

Dan may be an ordinary citizen; they may be a Mary Sue you intend to insert into Bob's life (if so, please delete Dan). Often, they fit into the category of what is referred to on tvtropes .org as "The Spock".

Obviously named after Star Trek's own logical, emotionless half-Vulcan, the Spock dispenses with such frivolities as emotion and drama and is devoted to making logical decisions. He/she is observant, and thoughtful.

For the purpose of this exercise, Dan as 'The Spock' may be a police interrogator, a robot, Sherlock Holmes, or Spock himself.

I mentioned the importance of your eyeballs at the beginning of our story; specifically, Bob's eyeballs.

He's been through crap, and may or may not have Droopy dog eyes or hardened-soldier eyes or whatever.

Personally, I blame Doctor Who, for having Shakespeare spout some romantic lines about the long-lived Time Travelling alien's "old eyes".

Anyway, back to the story...

Bob meets Dan. It may be in the form of a random meeting on the street, an interrogation, or really bizarre circumstances (such as landing a spaceship on the other's roof). Eventually, because the writer wants Bob and Dan to team up to beat the threat of the week, Bob gains Dan's trust.

When Dan's friends ask why he's with Bob, ("You only just met him today and you're already going to give him a job or stop evil super villains or arrest bank robbers or blow up daleks? He's a wanted criminal? He's my sworn enemy? He spouts crazy nonsense about aliens and zombies and aliens vs zombies?") Dan explains the reasoning behind his judgement:

item: Unexplainable things have happened around Bob, and I see no reason not to trust him

item: I have done an impressive Sherlock-Holmes-esque analysis, and see no evidence refuting his story

 _Pay attention to this last item_

item: Bob has old eyes. He must be ancient/immortal/a long-lived alien

That's where Dan (and this story) lose me. His logical analysis may have been particularly sound, maybe even impressive. But the eyes? That's where it gets me.

It annoys me enough when the writer makes a point of referring to characters by their eye color every time they walk into the room. (I, personally, never see a person's eye color). But for a logical, Spock character such as Dan, or even an average character such as Dan, to give Bob a job/go to stop super villains/arrest bank robbers/blow up daleks because Bob has hardened/old eyes?

No.

The Spock may believe that 'when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth', but that still leaves a heck of a lot of improbable explanations to eliminate before he/she arrives at the conclusion that Bob is a supernatural whoop-de-doo.

I'm not quite sure how exactly eyes are supposed to look old or hardened or whatever. They are optical organs moistened by basal tears and colored by an iris and a sclera. If someone looks old or hardened or tough, it's because they're frowning.

And I, personally, don't believe Bob's crazy story about aliens or robbers or super villains because he has _old eyes._ It's a thoroughly romantic notion, to be sure, but nonetheless one that a Spock such as Dan takes little stock in.

Seriously, you gotta give us something more than old eyes.

Do you think that it's socially acceptable, outside of crazy alien invasions or monster attacks, to tell a person that they have old/hardened eyes, like they've seen a lot? You may think it sounds romantic, but for most of us, (i.e., those of us in the real world,) it sounds kind of creepy, and crazy. Like, Luna Lovegood crazy.

So, unless you're purposely _trying_ to wax romantic or philosophical, leave out the eyes. They aren't permissible evidence in court, and certainly not in 221B Baker Street.

That is all. As you were, writers.

* * *

 _If you're interested in learning more about character types such as "The Spock", tvtropes .org is a brilliant reference._

 _There are great guides on logic and defending against plot holes and Mary Sues at springhole .net._

 _Join the Mary Sue Revolution, and try to spread awareness around the fanfiction world about these and other egregious plot sins!_


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